Abuse is best recognized by the effect it has on the abused
I’m just going to paraphrase and quote this whole bit from The Dominance Playbook by Anton Fulmen, because HOW this this not foundational knowledge:
While there are people out there with malicious intentions, abuse can often happen when there’s no intent to harm. Unintentional abuse can cause as much harm as intentional abuse, and can be even harder to recognize and put a stop to, because when we look at the person causing it we don’t see the kind of villain we think of as an abuser. People get caught in unhealthy relationship dynamics all the time, and without the tools to recognize it and the power to change it, abuse can go unchecked for years.
The most difficult kind of abuse to recognize is psychological and emotional, not necessarily physical. If you don’t trust yourself and your feelings when something feels off, you might convince yourself that nothing is wrong, that it’s all in your head, or that the problem is you.
The problem is rarely “just you.” This can be a powerful signal that your body is trying to send you, and you owe it to yourself to listen.
Abuse is best recognized by the effect it has on the abused.
The relationship checklist ⚭
Here are some questions to ask yourself when you’re involved in any type of relationship:
(this can include power exchange relationships, love affairs, marriages, friendships, or interactions with any authority figures, like a boss, parent, or spiritual guide)
- Are they interested in your needs, limits, and desires, and do they prioritize meeting your needs, respecting your limits, and supporting your desires?
- Do they tell you how you ought to think and feel, and try to force you into that mold?
- Do you feel fundamentally safe?
- Can you have a direct conversation, and tell them what you really think and how you really feel? Do they listen?
- Do they express their emotions in a healthy way? Do they allow you to express yours in a healthy way?
- Do they take responsibility for themselves? Do they place blame on you when something goes wrong?
- Do you feel any fear, tension, or a heavy, dreadful feeling that you wish you could avoid?
- Do you feel fulfilled and happy around them?
- Do they have your best interests at heart, or do they repeatedly put their own interests above yours?
- Do they encourage you to get other perspectives and seek other sources of support? To read books, make friends, participate in the community, etc? Or do they try to cut you off and make you dependent only on them?
- Are you confident it would be safe for you to change your boundaries in the relationship, or to end it if you wanted? Would they take it well and respect your decision?
- Does it feel good? Every relationship has its challenges and stresses, and can mean not getting your way about a lot of things. But it should always be something you want to be doing. Not just something that you endure for the sake of love or approval, or that you accept because you are afraid of the consequences, or because it’s what you’ve been told you should do.
If you are at all uncomfortable with your own answers to these questions, then something about your relationship is off and needs to change. If it can’t be changed, perhaps it needs to end.