The Buddhist concept of near enemies
via Atlas of the Heart:
The Buddhist concept of near enemies: “Near enemies are states that appear similar to the desired quality but actually undermine it. Far enemies are the opposite of what we are trying to achieve. For example, a near enemy of loving-kindness is sentimentality—similar but different. A far enemy of loving-kindness is ill will—the opposite of loving-kindness. Similarly, a near enemy of compassion is pity and a far enemy is cruelty.”
The near enemies depict how spirituality can be misunderstood or misused to separate us from life. (Jack Kornfield)
I define spirituality as the deeply held belief that we are inextricably connected to each other by something greater than ourselves. I have friends who are atheists who every day practice inextricable connection—they hurt when others hurt and they know that none of us are free until all of us are free. I have friends who talk endlessly about their religion and wear scripture on their T-shirts, yet demonstrate no connection to anyone’s suffering but their own and maybe that of the people in their immediate circle. I make this point because we’re not talking about religion here. We’re talking about the irrepressible human spirit.
On the surface, the near enemies of emotions or experiences might look and even feel like connection, but ultimately they drive us to be disconnected from ourselves and from each other. Without awareness, near enemies become the practices that fuel separation, rather than practices that reinforce the inextricable connection of all people.
“The near enemy of love is attachment. Attachment masquerades as love. It says, “I will love this person (because I need something from them).” Or, “I’ll love you if you’ll love me back. I’ll love you, but only if you will be the way I want.” This isn’t the fullness of love. Instead there is attachment—there is clinging and fear. True love allows, honors, and appreciates; attachment grasps, demands, needs, and aims to possess.” (Jack Kornfield)
Near enemies can feel like manipulation and even gaslighting. Of course the far enemies destroy connection too—but you see them coming.